Letter to my Stepfather
Mike, Remember that time on my ninth birthday when you pushed me down the stairs and I broke my arm? I lied to the doctor about it so you wouldn’t get in trouble. When you cheated on my mom, I pissed all over the couch we left you when we moved away. Since you always wore shorts, I sprinkled your coin collection all over the grass in the backyard, so when you mowed the yard the...
OIL! When I pump my gas, I’m usually just thinking fuck! As the dials keep climbing, I recently starting thinking about the old oil derricks built upon the hills surrounding me on the paved highways. The fountains of stoic fortune, pumping streams of black silk from beneath the ground, forming...
I’ve check-raised Death in a match of wits, and I’ve out-gunned and out-classed every back alley dice roller. I’ve dodged the world’s best train conductors, and I’ve left the best philosophers speechless. I’ve added a new color to the Rubix cube. The world’s best cannot touch me. I have avenged the fallen tightrope walkers, and I’ve...
Darkling, You Have Been Erased
Firefights eclipsed through broken mouths to speak the dead words of the guilty. The heat lamp flickers cigarette smoke shadow puppets evade capture in the silhouette of dark. Seeking sounds of Spanish laughter the interpreter gets lost in the vowels of illusion. Shovels have dug deep to keep the secrets of a pantomiming god whose last words were picked apart by the night...
Fan the Flames of Discontent
I’ve recently been engulfed with a looming swarm of anxiety and fear that has twisted the deadbolt shut above me while I’m alone below this trapped door. I’ve never been so scared of being alone until now. I can’t even watch my favorite movies without feeling like I’m bleeding to death out of the gunshot wound I’ve been dealt that slowly leaks out. If I...
I guess I’ve come to that point in my life where I just want more out of it. For years, when football season would come to an end for my Raiders, I couldn’t wait for the next season to come around because I didn’t follow any other sports. Well, I’ve come to a decision that this year would be the time for me to change that. What’s the next step in getting into a...
The roots of this tree tore themselves from the ground. Creation from the death with a pocket knife. I was born. A paper-mâché fox with the DNA of a boxer that died in the ring. A true gentleman.
For The Greater Good
In the interest of time, I will just guzzle this bottle until they find a cure. They’re not going to let me go home, and I will put up no fight. The only person I can hurt is myself so I smash my forehead against this concrete wall until all I can see is stars. I recreate the scene and I see the crowd chanting for me to recite my lines. When I begin to speak all I can hear is...
Last semester in college I signed up for a full load, but the government would only pay for the classes I needed to take, so I ended up only needing two more classes to transfer. I had to go out and get a job because of all the extra time I was going to have. I took the easy way out and got a job at a place I knew would hire me, because I knew the manager there. Pizza Hut. Damn. It hurts to...
Monday Morning Podcast - Bill Burr - 11/28/11 →
Hue Jackson Show 11-15-11
My question was answered by Oakland Raiders Head Coach Hue Jackson tonight on the Grant Napear show. Here is the dialogue from the show: Grant: Coach, I love this question I got on twitter, and you can follow the Raiders on twitter @raiders, but the question was: ‘Coach, obviously the team loves and respects you, but do they fear you?’ Hue Jackson: Oh yeah, they do. Grant...
Bill Burr 10/24 →
Bill Burr Halloween Podcast →
Bill Burr Interviews Dave Attell →
Doubting Marcus: So I Watched Ray Comfort's New... →
doubtingmarcus: If you haven’t seen it, don’t. From start to finish it’s full of poor reasoning and the entire film is an argumentum ad Hitlerum. The point of the movie is to convince people to change their minds about abortion by comparing legalized abortion to the Holocaust, I know it’s extremely insulting to…
Blacked Out When Sold Out
The Oakland Raiders first two games of the year were away games where they traveled to Denver and Buffalo trading a win for a heartbreaking loss in the process. Going into Week 3 of the 2011 regular season @ (1-1), The Oakland Raiders were set to take on one of the NFL’s elite teams in the New York Jets, who pride themselves on stopping the run, and do one hell of a job doing so. In...
To say that religion is useful is not at all to say that it is true. We as...
WORLD CUPP: PAVeR →
in a move toward winning the battle against the pessimistic cynic in me, i’ve decided to institute an automatic verbal response to outlandishly naïve claims made by gormless pseudo-musicians regarding the popularity, sway, or steadfast integrity of their shit band. when faced with arrogant…
American Roulette (Squirt Guns and Dollars of...
My dad invited me to go to Las Vegas with him a few years back. My first experience gambling in Las Vegas was definitely odd and I haven’t really traveled back to this memory until tonight, but when it hit me, I’m starting remember how surreal it was. He gave me $50 to go gamble with and I wanted to play poker. The only place that has No Limit Hold ‘Em games that you can...